To Help you......

Is homework wreaking havoc in your home? If the answer is YES, then finding the real causes behind the homework problems, and taking steps to resolve them, will improve both school success and family harmony.

How do we know? Homework is the single biggest issue affecting home life, according to many of the parents who bring their children to us at STRONG Learning Centers®.

Here are the ten most common causes of homework problems, along with suggestions to help you resolve them.

1. THE HOMEWORK IS TOO DIFFICULT.

If the homework is continuously too difficult, with everything that entails, then a child will try to avoid it. Look into the cause. Begin by having a conversation with the teacher. If the problem is class-wide, hopefully the teacher will evaluate and adjust the nature of his or her homework assignments. If the problem is limited to your child, she may require additional help from the teacher after school, from you, from a sibling, from a teenager you hire, or from a tutor. If this fails to resolve the issue, then a reevaluation of the type of class, or course level, or teaching vs. learning style, or school may be in order.

On the other hand, the cause of the problem may be a disability: physical, learning and/or attentional. Your child may have difficulty in such areas as: hearing, seeing, reading, processing language, or writing, or she may have ADD or ADHD. If the problem is one of these, sometimes it is easy to resolve. For example, corrective glasses can easily resolve some seeing issues and behavioral therapy and/or possibly medication might help AD/HD, the newer term for the disorder. In many cases, consulting teachers, counselors, or specialists in the appropriate field, might be in order.

Note: If you suspect AD/HD, a valuable resource is CHADD (Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder organization). For information on the learning disability (LD) issue in general, contact the Learning Disabilities Association of America (LDA).

2. THE HOMEWORK IS TOO CONFUSING.

When children chronically complain that assignments or directions are confusing, they are likely to become frustrated and/or anxious, eventually avoiding such assignments. Parents usually respond to these children by asking, "Weren't you listening?" Or "Just read the directions!" The children were listening or reading, but they may not have been able to process the information.

In this case, the cause may be reading comprehension and/or language processing problems. You may need to seek the help of teachers or a learning specialist to help your child learn strategies she can use to overcome or compensate for her disability. For example, she may need to put the words into pictures or graphic organizers. Children who become confused due to problems with language processing, do better when they can see things visually.

And, regardless of who is working with them, be sure they remain actively involved. Children (and adults too) are notorious for shaking their heads "yes" when asked "Do you understand?" even when they don't understand. Sometimes they are just yessing you and sometimes they think they understand. However, when you ask them to explain or discuss what you were just talking about, they realize that they really don’t understand.

If neither of these areas are the cause of the problem, then you may need to investigate why your child continues to complain. If it turns out it is simply a ploy to get you to do the work with him, then you need to address the reason for that behavior. But wait – before you get annoyed, remember what it was like for you when you were a child. Homework isn't always fun, and sometimes it's nice to have a little company. Your child may simply want your company during homework time. Wow! How's that for the ultimate compliment?

3. THE HOMEWORK IS TOO LOW-QUALITY OR TOO BORING.

Sometimes homework assignments are low-quality boring busywork and children will avoid them simply because they don't want to do them. Unfortunately, one of life's little lessons that children need to learn is that sometimes we simply have to do boring things. If, however, every assignment appears to be dull, too easy, or too low-quality, you may need to talk to your child's teacher to determine the purpose of the assignments. Many teachers do not realize how some of the assignments are coming across to the children; chances are they will appreciate the feedback and adjust the work as appropriate.

4. THE CHILD IS DISORGANIZED.

He brings home the book and forgets the assignment. He brings home the assignment and forgets the book. Or he forgets the assignment and the book. Does this sound familiar? If so, it sounds like you've got yourself a disorganized child. The same is true for children who can’t judge time or can't manage their time. They may have the best intentions to get the homework done, but somehow it gets lost in their time-maze.

It is so difficult for disorganized children to get their homework done that some of them would rather lie, insisting that there is no homework, than be criticized and punished. If poor organizational skills seems to be the issue, there are many books and articles that offer great strategies to help the disorganized child. See, for example, pp 123-127 in Why Bad Grades Happen to Good Kids.

5. THE HOMEWORK IS TOO INTRUSIVE.

It's a fact; homework cuts into playtime. So what's the problem? The problem is that in some cases homework time creeps up to the point of consuming the home lives of the children and sometimes that of the family as well. Besides the obvious down side, this may be harmful to children's intellectual development. Their brains are developing and they need to use all parts, and good quality play provides opportunities to use the "far corners" of the brain that might otherwise remain fallow. So, it turns out that children need to play. Surprisingly, brain research indicates that occasional boredom is good, too, as it forces children to think of things to do — that is, to use their brains to create.

So if homework time seems to have taken over your home, work out a schedule with your child so that he doesn't have to lie in order to play.

6. TOO MUCH PARENT INVOLVEMENT.

Some parents are overly involved in their child's homework. Here are the three most common types, all of whom tend to drive their children toward lying and deception. If any of these describe you, then work to change your behavior.

A. The "perfectionist parents." Perfectionists demand picture-perfect-homework. Their children hate to let them see their homework papers out of fear that they will judge the work unworthy, tear it up, and make them do it again. Besides being tedious and time demanding, in these extreme cases it is downright disrespectful of the child.

B. The "helicopter parents." These parents hover over their children, making sure that every "t" is crossed and every "i" is dotted. They think they're being helpful, but here's the problem: By not giving their children any breathing room, they are delivering the tacit message that their children are not capable of doing the work themselves. Not only does this harm their self-esteem, but it also denies them the opportunity of taking responsibility for their own work.

C. The "Pandora parents." The children of Pandora parents tend to deny the existence of any homework they don't understand because asking Mom or Dad even the simplest question is tantamount to opening Pandora's box. Their well-meaning parents can't contain their enthusiasm and turn what would ordinary require a short answer into a long-winded treatise on some esoteric detail.

7. THE CHILD IS UNMOTIVATED.

Most children don't want to do homework. But while they may put up quite a fuss, somehow they manage to get the work done. If they don't, motivation may not be the problem; they may appear unmotivated, but this may be a convincing protective screen they've set up to mask a larger issue.For example, many children appear unmotivated when in fact they avoid homework to protect their egos. How's that? Because these children erroneously equate failure with stupidity. Their logic is as follows: If they try and fail, it is a reflection of their intelligence. If they don't try and fail, it is not a reflection of their intelligence; it is due to lack of motivation or irresponsibility. These labels they can live with; the label "stupid," they can't!

8. TOO MUCH HOMEWORK.

Many kids simply cannot keep up with the projects, tests, quizzes, reading and other assignments they are given.

Here is a general guide for the typical amount of time children should be expected to spend on homework each school day. Grades K-2, about 10-20 minutes. Grades 3-6, about 30-60 minutes. Grades 7-12 will vary considerably, depending on subjects, projects due, tests, etc., but a reasonable average is about two hours, with more on weekends, as needed, for major projects and exams.

If your child spends considerably more than this on homework, look into the cause. Begin by having a conversation with the teacher. If the problem is class-wide, hopefully the teacher will make adjustments. If the problem is limited to your child because your child works slowly, or has other issues discussed in this section, talk to his teacher and see what can be done to modify his assignments.

9. IT'S TOO NOISY.

Many kids complain that they can't concentrate at home. Their siblings are running around, TVs and music systems are blaring, someone's on the phone, people are fighting, the dog is barking, the baby is crying. I don't know about you, but I need quiet to do work that requires thinking. Closed bedroom doors don't help much, as the muffled sounds of chaos always manage to get through.

Here is an idealistic solution. Even if it can't be carried out fully, at least it is something to aim for. As a family, consider designating a block of time as quiet time. Normal living continues, but more quietly than usual. Kids can use the time to do homework; parents can read, balance the checkbook, and write e-mails; those who have time to watch television can do so with headphones or the sound turned low. Sometimes quiet sounds pretty good, doesn't it?

10. THE CHILD IS TOO ALONE.

Some children are lonely when required to do homework in their rooms, and don't work efficiently in that setting. Some need continuous support and direction. That is, they need someone to help them stay on task or to provide a little assistance when they get stuck. If required to work alone in their rooms, these are the kids who emerge three hours later with little or nothing accomplished. Both groups of children tend to prefer doing homework on the kitchen table. This way they have people around them, either for support or company.

So, if homework causes chaos in your home, look into the reasons. Once you find them, and do what you need to resolve the problems, you'll be back on the road to school success and family harmony.

(Originally published at the Strong Learning website and reprinted with permission of the authors, Linda Bress Silbert, Ph.D. and Alvin J. Silbert, Ed.D.)

read more

Moving Beyond Your divorce.....

by: Shelley Stilee
There is no single more powerful stumbling block to moving beyond our divorce into a new life than the inability to accept our new reality. Acceptance is the hardest part of the divorce recovery process. Acceptance requires total honesty, courage and the willingness to let go of the life that we had...a life that no longer exists. Without that acceptance, we cannot move forward and create a new life.

How does one learn acceptance? Although it takes time and a good deal of inner work, it can be done. Here is a step-by-step guide to move you towards acceptance:

1) It’s about you, not them.

One of the most powerful lessons in life is the knowledge that we have control over one person and one person only…ourselves. If you are looking outside of yourself to move forward, you won’t. We can’t change anyone but ourselves. We have power over no one except ourselves. It is when we turn inward and do the work on ourselves that we will be able to effect dramatic and positive changes in our lives.

Being a victim means giving away all control and power. If I blame someone else for my situation, then I am powerless to do anything about it as I have chosen to absolve myself of any responsibility.

We can create changes that will make out lives better but not until we stop trying to change our ex or our current reality and we realize that it’s about us, not them.

2) Get support.

If you think you can do this all by yourself you may be in for a big surprise. Research consistently shows that getting support in any challenging endeavor leads to more success. Whether you choose a divorce support group, a therapist, a member of the clergy or a Life Coach, just do it.

If you are one of the those people who think that you have to handle life’s challenges on your own because somehow you equate support with weakness, get over it! Getting support is a sign of intelligence as far as I’m concerned as well as an indication that you really are serious about moving onward in life.

3) First, you must get through the initial stages of loss that includes denial, grief, anger, depression and whatever else you might be feeling early in the divorce process.

These emotions are all natural and necessary states that we need to experience. They are the norm versus the exception. Each one of these feelings needs to be embraced and experienced fully. There must be an ending before a new beginning.

There is a difference between fully experiencing an emotional stage and getting stuck in it. Beware excessive self-pity and real depression. Here is where support becomes important to your well-being and improvement.

4) Distinguish between facts and interpretations.

I cannot stress the importance of this step enough. People get stuck when they cannot face the facts and prefer to believe that their personal interpretations are reality.

You might be familiar with the exercise of the picture that has a hidden image within it. Ten people may come up with ten different interpretations of the picture. Some people will see the hidden image immediately and others will never see it until it is pointed out to them. Either way, the hidden picture exists. It is a fact.

You may feel that you have been mentally abused and yet your partner may feel that you are the one that is abusive. He said, she said. Probably a counselor will see a totally different picture altogether. You know, there’s your side, his side and then the truth.

Once you are truthful with yourself and can see the facts versus the drama or story of your divorce, you will be on your way to acceptance.

5) Be brutally honest and take responsibility for your marriage, divorce and life.

Those of us who can be totally honest with ourselves will receive the gift of a deep awareness of who and what we are along with the ability to accept our lives as they are without looking to blame someone else. Being honest allows us to see things that hadn’t existed for us before. The truth will indeed set you free. By setting aside our egos, we can look at our life for what it actually is versus a story about our divorce.

Once we have been honest and have embraced all the facts about our divorce, we are free to accept full responsibility for our lives. Responsibility is power and the freedom to choose what we want next in life. If we cannot take responsibility, we remain victims and victims absolve themselves of both their responsibility and therefore the power to control their own lives.

6) Learn the difference between what is and what you think should be.

If we are living in a netherland of what we think should be, we are completely cut off from reality or ‘what is’. If you think that you should not have to be experiencing divorce, then you cannot accept what is…that you are indeed getting divorced. You live in a world of your own.

We all create a list of should be’s that keep us stuck in the status quo: I should be happier, I should be getting more support, I shouldn’t have to work, and I should still be married. By concentrating on what we should be, we ignore what actually exists for us and remain stuck.

I think we should live in a world where peace is the predominant ethic but we don’t live in that world. That’s a dream I have. By acknowledging the world as it truly exists, I can make choices as to how I will live my life and also how to address the problems that do exist.

7) Consider the emotional wounds that you brought to the marriage.

Your ex may complain that you were not a warm person. I doubt that it was your marriage that created a cold person, if indeed that is what you are. We bring ourselves into our marriages and the parts of us that show up and create issues are the parts of us that we haven’t addressed yet. They are emotional wounds from somewhere in our past and they have a tendency to pop-up in our close relationships or when we are faced with challenging times.

Now is your chance to address those wounds and heal them so that you do not repeat your so-called mistakes again. Use your divorce as a catalyst to go inside and heal yourself.

8) Release toxic emotions.

Get rid of the debilitating toxic emotions that you are carrying around. Picture them as heavy baggage that keeps you stuck in your misery and produces a broken back. Anger, bitterness, hatred, resentment, rage…these are all toxic emotions that will harm you far more than your ex. You are the one who pays the price. You need to work through them and then release them because they will weigh you down for the rest of your life if you allow it.

Once you have done the work of truth versus interpretations and what is versus what should be, you will find it much easier to give up your anger and resentment. They do not serve you and you are learning to give away anything that does not serve you well.

9) Learn forgiveness for yourself and your mate.

You might not be able to practice forgiveness in the early stages of the journey to recovery but if you go through these other steps, you will be able to forigive your ex and more importantly, yourself. Forgiveness takes a big load off your shoulders. It releases energy that can be used for positive things.

Forgiveness does not necessarily mean you condone bad behavior, it simply means you forgive. If we separate the person from the behavior it becomes easier to forgive. You know that just because you sometimes say mean things it does not mean you are a bad person. Just a lapse in judgment. We are not necessarily our behavior. We know all the subconscious motivations that exist within every individual. If we look at the inner child within a person, forgiveness is a given.

10) Make conscious decisions; utilize free choice.

When you do the inner work of divorce recovery, you tend to attend to many things that have been left unresolved for years. You become more conscious of your actions and your choices. You become aware of the subconscious and how it can run your life. When you learn to observe the constant mind chatter that goes on inside your heads, you learn that the mind chatter is not us, its just chatter.

Making conscious decisions based in free choice means that we are not letting our mind chatter, our past, our emotional wounds or our interpretations of reality run the show. We take control of our lives. Conscious living allows for incredible freedom and the ability to create extraordinary changes.

And your bonus tip:

11) Find the gifts of your divorce.

Everything that occurs in our lives and everything that we are (warts and all) has a hidden gift. If you speak to someone who has survived divorce and has gone on to create a and vibrant life based upon their own passions and values, they will certainly tell you that their divorce was the best thing that happened to them. That may not be true for you but there is a gift waiting for you to find. My ex likes to say that he is responsible for my new career and to a certain extent he has played a part. Oftentimes it takes a good whack on the head to awaken us to life’s possibilities and our own happiness.

It’s the old adage: Every cloud has a silver lining. It is true. Search for the gifts of your divorce and it becomes yet another step toward a successful recovery from the trauma of divorce.

Successful divorce recovery takes inner work. Much like a flower, the work that has takes place underneath the surface of the ground, invisible to the human eye, is the crucial aspect. Without that subterranean work, there would be no flower. The reward of the flower is dependent upon the inner work of the seed and the root system. It is the same with humans. Do the inner work and you see the outer rewards.

read more